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Archive for September, 2009

What is meant to be

I sometimes question my long-held belief that if things are meant to be, they will happen. 

Certainly, there is nothing like a failed IVF cycle to make you question that belief.  But yet, I remain convinced that I will have the child (or children) that I am meant to have – maybe just not on MY time table. 

I’m sure it is obvious that the result of this cycle was not as we had hoped.  But, here are the bright spots:

1) We learned some new information that hopefully will help us be successful if we decide to try again.

2) I am even more convinced that my choice of clinics abroad was an excellent choice.  I do not know of any other IVF clinic in the world that would have treated me so fairly and with such compassion. 

In fact, due to the low chance of success with the embryos that were transferred (resulting from circumstances that no one could have anticipated), the clinic elected not to charge me a single penny.  Not one.  They told me I could pay them for the cycle if and when I had a viable pregnancy.  So, the clinic absorbed the total cost of that cycle (aside from my medications).  And furthermore, they have offered for me to come back and do another cycle but only paying 1/2 the regular cost – with the caveat that I pay the other half if (when) the pregnancy is deemed to be viable (after heartbeat, etc.).  

Now tell me, what clinic in the United States would offer this kind of guarantee and shared risk arrangement without charging a large premium for the shared risk guarantee?  I don’t know of one.  

For now, we will take some time to digest what we have learned, do some more research, then make some decisions about our future plans…in search of what we hope is meant to be.

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The two week wait is full of hope and fear.  And though there is really nothing one can do to impact the outcome of the impending pregnancy test, the question nags: shall I test early, or not? 

In one camp, there are the ladies who would rather keep the hope alive while they wait for the official blood test (aka beta) to give them the answer.  After all, what good would come from testing too early only to be disappointed by what may be a false negative?

In the other camp, are the “test early, test often” folks, who would rather know the moment that an HPT (home pregnancy test) registers enough HCG in their blood to confirm pregnancy.  That often means going through many days of disappointing “negative” home tests while waiting for a potential double line or “pregnant” that indicates there really is something going on in there. 

I’ve switched from camp to camp – and believe there is no right way to do this, only what is right for you, right now. 

Testing early does certainly have some appeal – after all, the 2ww is likely the longest two weeks of your life.  But, will the potential disappointment of a negative (potentially false negative if you test too early) outweigh the benefit of having some indication of the potential outcome? 

I’m not sure what the answer will be for me.   One thing I am pretty certain of today – I will at least test at home prior to having my blood test.  That way I will have some indication of what to expect – good or bad.  Somehow that beats first hearing the information from a stranger – perhaps while you are driving, or at work, or somewhere that you’d rather not be when getting such life changing information.

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Home sweet home

Wow, there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed after being away from home.  

I can’t decide if the trip to Europe feels longer, or the one back – I’m pretty sure it is the one coming back though.  Thankfully the good thing is you can leave Prague in the morning and be back in Los Angeles by the evening, asleep in your own bed.  Ahh, the luxury.  

And so, the waiting begins.  Also known as the “2ww” (two week wait).  Part anticipation and excitement, part dread that it might not have worked.  So, I choose to focus on being cautiously optimistic and enjoying taking it a bit easy while I adapt back to life at home and wait for the big test day.   Reminds me of being back in school.  I wish that there were a way to study harder to make sure I pass this one – but alas, I must just leave it to God and what will be. 

Last night my husband took me out for dinner at a favorite Thai restaurant.  My fortune cookie said something like “today’s disappointment will lead to future joy”.  I just hope the future comes quickly.

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I awoke this morning slightly nervous about our transfer, but excited by our prospects for success. After all, as of the last time the clinic checked on them, we had 6 great looking embryos from a proven donor and the doctor had predicted we would likely have at least 5 blastocysts today.  That would be enough for a transfer, and maybe even some frozens for a sibling later. 

But life doesn’t always work according to plan.  And things did not go exactly as we had hoped today.   Disappointments abounded, but through it all the Reprofit doctors and staff went out of their way to be caring and helpful far above and beyond the call of duty.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more from them.

In the end, we did transfer two embryos and will hope that this brings us the child that I still believe we are meant to have.

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